My list & thoughts

In my efforts of trying to be positive, I made a list of things I'm going to do since I'm not pregnant. Most of these are the things I normally do but had to stop because of all of the stimulation drugs and the risk to my ovaries.

1. Pick up my sweet, but heavy baby boy. 
2. Personal time with the hubby. 
3. Play tennis again. 
4. Play volleyball again. 
5. Eat sushi again.
6. Drink wine again. 

My next step is to find out what the hell happened. From there, I'm going to figure out what other tests we need to run before we jump right back in and try again. If we were the textbook situation and we failed, I'm not interested in risking 2 more viable embryos without finding out if there are other problems that are preventing the embryos from implanting.

In the meantime, I am coming to peace with the fact that I'm not pregnant. If we are meant to be pregnant, we will be.

My overriding selfish, bratty feeling today is that the average person needs to be so grateful that they don't have to do this to have a child.

My thankful and blessed feeling for today is that I do have one amazing child that I love more than I could have ever imagined possible. I have supportive family and friends. And, I still have hope.

BFN

BFN means Big Fat No - and that was the result of my blood test. The IVF failed.

We went for the blood test at 9am and our doctor did not call us until after 4pm. The wait was torture but finally finding out turned out to be not much better. I was very upset. We were very upset. Crying and expressing my feelings about this seems to bring more crying and more feelings. I informed everyone who was waiting for the news that the wait was over. But, I did not take any phone calls - only text messages. I can't talk about it at this point. I'm absolutely devastated.

We were the ideal candidates. We had a 65% chance of success. We had a textbook stimulation, retrieval, fertilization and transfer. What the hell happened??? There were 2 in there - I just can't understand why one little Embryo could not attach. Did I do something wrong?? Do we have more problems that we did not realize? So many questions. So sad.

But, at least we still have 4 frozen embryos.

We are trying again as soon as possible.

We are not giving up. 

A time for everything and everything in its time.

Today is the day...

I made it through the rest of this week without taking another pregnancy test. We went this morning to have the blood test done and are now waiting for a call from the doctor with the results. I'm only partially staring at my phone - nope - totally staring at my phone willing it to ring, ring, ring! The not-knowing makes the minutes go by slower.

4 years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Andrew. I peed on 4 different sticks in utter disbelief that we got pregnant naturally after 2.5 years of unsuccessful attempts.

It's funny how things work out.

Waiting....waiting...waiting.... 

Today Is Wednesday

Today is Wednesday. Blood Test is not till Friday. Today.Is.Only.WEDNESDAY!!

Actually, I've really been fine. This 2 Week Wait (although it's really only 10 days) is not bothering me too much. 

I needed to get some Easter Basket stuffers for Andrew and decided to try the Dollar Store to save some money. By the way, the Dollar Store is completely underrated! Tons of neat stuff in there for only a buck. Including... Pregnancy Tests. To spend $1 on a pregnancy test that usually costs about $8 was such a good deal that walking away from that deal would just be crazy!

So, I bought 5.

I ran a few more errands and ended up getting home about an hour later. I had to go to the bathroom anyway, so I figured why not use one of the 5 Cheapy Tests to "just see" what the results were. I was going in to it knowing that if it was Negative - that does not mean anything - it's really too soon to tell. If I got a positive - that makes my outlook even better for Friday's test.

It was negative. No faint lines, no iffy results, no "if you hold it in the light shading" - nothing.

I started out the "2ww" thinking it worked and we were going to be one of the blessed couples that walked in to IVF and got our baby on the first try. As the days have gone by, I've been having much less certainty of what our results will be. There have been no real symptoms to speak of and I've been mentally preparing myself for handling the disappointment and moving forward with the next try.

I definitely still think we have hope and may be pregnant. I know that people who are 7dp5dt (7 days post 5 day transfer) often get negative pee-on-a-stick results and nothing counts until the HCG count on Friday via a blood draw. I also know that I used a $1 test that is not as sensitive as some of the other Early Detection Brands. This has not phased me much.

But, I'm ready, ready, ready for the test on Friday. I feel like we are having a baby! Maybe not on our first try, but I feel good about this process as a whole.

And, on a very positive note - the Progesterone shots don't bother me much anymore! We are on day 13 of the big-mama shots and I've embraced the process (i.e., shut out the emotion of it sucking). I'm actually almost preferring the shots to the change to suppositories.

End Justifies The Means.

Bed Rest & Blessed

My bed rest ended today. I took advantage of my freedom to move around, get out of the house and stretch my legs a bit. I thought my bed rest would be a real challenge, but that was not the case. The reason for this is because of my wonderful friends. Each day brought phone calls, text messages and a new visitor coming by to keep me company and full of yummy food. It was absolutely wonderful and I am so blessed to have such sweet and compassionate friends in my life. I can't imagine going through all of this and not talking to anyone about it. I truly believe it is why this process has not been as hard as I imagined it was going to be.

A very big thank you goes out to Jennifer, Lauren, Heather and Stephanie for coming over and making my days on bed rest fun! And, a big thank you goes out to Jeff for his continued patience with me during this time and for picking up the slack while I'm out of commission.

I have an appointment tomorrow (Monday) to do blood work - no answers yet. Friday is the day that we find out if "Elton and John" are sticking around for a while. Thanks again to Lauren for my Embryo Nicknames and the many, many jokes that spawned from that. 

SnowBaby Update

On the day of the Transfer, Dr. Lily informed me that of the 9 eggs that were fertilized, 7 made it to the 5 day blastocyst phase. We implanted the best 2 and she told me that she would be culturing the other 5 for one more day and cryopreserving them. I got the call from Dr. Lily - of the 5 embryos, 4 of them made it to day 6 and have been successfully frozen for our future use. This means that if it does not work on the first try, we have enough embryos to try 2 more times. GREAT NEWS!!

The Eagle Has Landed

Our 2 embryos are in!

My appointment was yesterday morning at 8:30am. Unfortunately, Jeff is in training right now and was not able to get the day off. So, Jennifer came with me to drive me home after the procedure.

It was a smooth and perfect process.

I was able to see our 2 perfect embryos under the microscope. I was not given specifics, but was told that they were fantastic Blastocysts. Grade A quality. So, I'm thrilled. 

Of the 9 eggs that were fertilized, 7 made it to the 5 day Blastocyst stage. They picked the best 2 and are going to freeze the remaining 5 - we will use these if this first round does not work or save them for a year or so and then try again for additional babies. yay!

Jen brought me home and I went straight upstairs to start my 4 days of bed rest. Most of the information that I've read says bed rest for 48 hours but my doctor insists on 4 days. I'm not going to start not listening to him now. He has been nothing but perfect through this process so I'm going to veg-out in bed for 4 days with a smile on my face.

A huge thank you goes out to Jennifer who dropped everything to help us out in this process. She is my nurse, my movie-watching buddy, my babysitter, my maid, etc... she is managing this home while Jeff is working and I'm horizontal. As usual, I owe God a huge thank you for sending Jennifer in to our lives. She has, yet again, saved the day.

Now what - now we wait. 9.Long.Days. But, that's ok. I've got plenty to do to fill my time. I go back to the doctor on Monday for a progesterone and estrogen level blood test. Then I go back on the 29th for the results of the pregnancy test. Funny enough, I found out I was pregnant with Andrew on March 29, 2009. What a fun coincidence if it works out!

Prayers.Prayers.Prayers.