Shocked

I finally found the doctor that I was going to transition to from my RE. I set up my first appointment to get my 10 week sonogram and meet with the doctor for the first time. Jeff was in a training class for his job so I told him I would go by myself. We already had a sonogram before and this was really just a technicality. Getting my records moved over to the new OB and meeting him... honestly not a big deal.

I arrived and was called back for my sonogram. I told the tech that I was an IVF pregnancy and had already seen my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks and all looked great. I had no concerns and was really excited to see how Baby Walker was progressing.

We started with the ultrasound on my belly. Immediately, I saw our baby... as if it were facing me. Wow, how much it had grown in 2 weeks! The arm buds looked more like arms. The leg buds looked longer like legs. There were little eye sockets. Just amazing how much they grow and how fast!

The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and 6 days. I was only 10 weeks and 3 days so it looked great from that perspective. One major part was missing though. No flickering at the heart level. I noticed it right away. I thought that maybe I could not see it because it was not the vaginal ultrasound. The tech switched to the vaginal and we saw a side view of my sweet baby. And, again - I saw no heartbeat. I was quiet---anxiety beginning to rise. I finally mentioned that I did not see the heartbeat and was getting a little nervous. She answered me with "Let me go get the dr.".... And, I knew. I told her to tell me. She said, "I'm having trouble finding the heartbeat too. I'm going to get the dr. and maybe he can help me find it." ... "Don't worry" and she left. I immediately began praying and crying and praying and crying. She came back in and the dr. followed her. She showed him my baby on the screen and he knew in 2 seconds. He said, "I'm so sorry but your baby's heartbeat is gone. I'm so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances. Is there anyone I can call for you?"

And that was it. In that short amount of time, my baby was no longer. I found myself surrounded by complete strangers telling me my baby had died. They said that it must have happened in the last 12-36 hours because of how the baby was measuring. Everything looked great and right on schedule.

I sent Jeff a text telling him there was an emergency and I needed to speak to him immediately. I got dressed and they had me sit in the dr.'s office and wait for him to come back to talk to me. During that time, Jeff called. I could not speak...just bursting out little bits of information about how the heartbeat was gone and that our baby had died. Then, the doctor came back in. I had to let Jeff go and try to finalize this awful appointment and get out of that office.

We discussed the D&C vs. the natural miscarriage process. I was not able to think or decide anything at that point. I really just needed to leave.

At checkout, they offered to walk me out the back way, which was so considerate and appreciated. I ended up in the stairwell of this medical complex alone... finally really realizing what was happening. My legs could not move. I just stood there crying. I was able to make my way down the stairs and walk out the building. Jeff called and said he had left his training and was on the way to get me. He arrived about 5 minutes later and we began the awful process of dealing with what had occurred.

My heart hurts.

Rip Van Winkle

I slept for the majority of July. I would take long naps during the day and go to bed by 8:30pm every night. I have been so tired and so nauseous. But, as I hit 10 weeks, I'm beginning to feel like the haze is starting to clear a little bit. I'm still very tired and have lots of waves of feeling sick, but I think it is getting better.

Hopefully, I'll be able to cook dinners again ... or cook anything again. The smell of food cooking seems to set off the nausea. I've spent the last several weeks avoiding cooking or cleaning. It's been a bit nice, but I'm ready to get back to some normalcy and structure again around here.

I have a second sonogram this week with my new OB! I've officially been transitioned away from my RE and over to my new OB. Just like a normal pregnancy! I'm so excited and I know that these next few months are going to fly by. The Fall and Holiday season always do. It's going to be March before I know it. YIKES!

Drum roll please....

We finally made it to sonogram day! And, after weeks of waiting, we found out...

...there is only 1 Walker Baby! Whew!!! Although, I was a little disappointed, I was mostly relieved. I would have been extremely happy if there were two, but it was definitely going to be a challenge. The doctor and nurse were both surprised as well. We all were expecting to find twins considering my HCG numbers.

The one Walker baby looked great! We saw a beautiful heartbeat and a clearly defined head, body, leg buds and arm buds. So amazing!!

I was cleared to get off of the Estrogen patches and have been able to transition to an oral Progesterone pill now.

This is really happening. I'm so thankful and blessed that we will be getting our new baby!

HCG Levels

All HCG levels are in...

Here is where we stand:
11 days post Embryo Transfer - 662
14 days post Embryo Transfer - 2,475
17 days post Embryo Transfer - 8,246

The numbers look great... and high!

We have some fear/trepidation that we may be expecting twins, but we will manage either way. We knew it was a risk and we are prepared to manage that situation with the proper amount of excitement and exhaustion.

I've been putting together my pros and cons list for twins. I can argue that either situation is wonderful. For now, my mindset is that we are having one baby. One healthy, happy baby. From there, I don't care.

The sonogram is scheduled for July 29th - which seems forever away.

For now, boy am I pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant and I'm already being hit with a freight truck of nausea, very sore chest and an overwhelming need to sleep 2 hours during the day and go to bed by 9pm. Welcome to the 1st trimester!

Holy Cow

I'm PREGNANT!!! It's hard to believe that what we have been working toward for so long has actually been achieved. I'm still so cautiously excited, but thrilled that we have made it this far. I had so little faith that the FET was going to work...and boy was I wrong!

I started taking Pregnancy tests 4 days post 5 day transfer. A glimpse in to my brain...
Day 0,1,2,3 - Bed Rest
Day 4 - Negative - whatever, too soon anyway. I am just a glutton for punishment.
Day 5 - Negative - Ok, still too soon, but brace yourself for the negative. Get used to it.
Day 6 - FAINT, FAINT, FAINT line (June 27th). I'm VERY aware of what a negative pregnancy test looks like and this one was a little, itty, bitty, bit different. Not getting excited. But, ok, a little bit excited.
Day 7 - Yep - Line is still there. Not as faint. Holy cow, is this real? Don't get too excited - it could just be a chemical pregnancy. The lines have to continue to get darker for this to count
Day 8 - Line definitely there - definitely darker than the day before. Ok, I'm pregnant. Shock. Disbelief. Need a new test.
Day 9 - Line is no darker today than yesterday. Something might be wrong. Go back to non-excitement. Protect yourself. This may not work out.
Day 10 - got a new brand of pregnancy test. 2nd line was IMMEDIATELY there and very dark. Yep, I'm pregnant. Holy Cow. My mom is jumping up and down, we are excited, but still need to find out what my HCG level is. If it is too low, the pregnancy may not be viable. Cautious excitement... again. (July 1st)
Day 11 - Home from Louisiana - Doc appointment in the morning to officially confirm the pregnancy and get my HCG level. Peed on one more stick for good measure. Absolutely positive. No question about it. We are having a baby! Wow, wow, wow!

Doctor called at about noon with the results. "I've got some good news" was how he delivered the official pregnancy announcement. YAY!

HCG level is high. Really high for the very first test. 662... holy cow... Twins?
 

Home Pregnancy Tests and Symptoms

Day two of testing on Home Pregnancy Tests and day 2 of Negatives. However, it is still VERY early. I suppose I am attempting to protect myself from a large boulder of disappointment by torturing myself a little bit each day. I'm not certain this route is any better. But, I'm on this horse now - so, tomorrow I'm peeing on a stick again. Thank goodness for dollar store pregnancy tests or I would go broke.

Symptoms at this stage include:
1. 2dp5dt - 3 dp5dt (2-3 Days Post 5 Day Transfer) - abdominal cramping, lower back pain and a slight bit of nausea. All can be attributed to a)embryo implantation or b)impending time of the month. CRUD - no help there.
2. 4dp5dt - Lower back pain and exhaustion. But, it was my first day off bed rest. I assume any real movement on this day (other than slowly walking to the bathroom and slowly walking back to the couch) would make me tired. That many days horizontal may have made any muscles I have left melt in to the couch. No help there.
3. Not giving a damn how many calories are going in to my mouth... that can be a bad day at tennis, impending time of the month, a fight with hubby, a day that ends in Y... in fact this is less of a symptom and more of an "issue".

Prayers, prayers, prayers for a positive HPT tomorrow!

And we wait...

The last 8 weeks have included shots, patches and the occasional doctor's appointment. This was the build up to the Frozen Embryo Transfer that we did on Friday. Now, we wait. And Pray.

Back in March, we had 4 embryos left that we were able to freeze. We arrived to the Fertility Center at noon to find out if 2 of our snowbabies had defrosted and were still viable. It was one of the first questions I asked our nurse but she deflected and told me the Dr. Lilly was going to have to talk to me about it. The anxiety that was already through the roof pretty much hit the moon at that point. They prepped me for the transfer and Jeff and I quietly waited in the waiting room.

When it was time, we walked to the procedure room and met with Dr. Lilly. I was ready to hear the worst - but it was perfect! The embryos thawed perfectly and were already starting to hatch. That was wonderful news for us! We got to see our 2 embryos and talk with Dr. Lilly about what could have gone wrong the first round and her thoughts about this Frozen Transfer attempt. She was very positive and had such a wonderful sense of hope and enthusiasm about this effort. It was contagious. After almost 3 months of negative, bitter and frustrated feelings about this process, I started to feel like it may actually work this time. I've spent so much time shielding my feelings and not getting overly invested in this second process that having a glimmer of hope made a huge difference in my attitude going forward. Thank God for Dr. Lilly!

Just like last time, the procedure was "perfect", according to Dr. Putman.  He was literally "in and out" and we were sent over to the waiting room. I had to wait for an hour before we would be discharged. I decided to find an article about relaxing and stress reduction. It had 6 steps and I fell asleep before I got to step 6...so, I would say that this article was accurate on how to reduce stress.

Once home, I've been catered to by such amazing friends and family. Amazing meals, wonderful conversation and lots of laughing. The calls, text messages and emails from people still continue to amaze me. I am so blessed and have such amazing people in my life. No matter what happens, I will never forget how wonderful these people are. And, of course, a huge thank you to Jennifer & Sybil for dropping everything to watch over me, my kiddo and this house while Jeff had to work.

The next step is we wait. We wait until July 1st. Problem is, we are going out of town to my cousin's wedding and won't return until July 2nd and have the first HCG Blood test on July 3rd. However, I will be doing Pee-on-a-stick tests for this round. So, by July 1st, I will likely know if we are pregnant or not.

Prayers, Prayers, Prayers!!!