Shocked

I finally found the doctor that I was going to transition to from my RE. I set up my first appointment to get my 10 week sonogram and meet with the doctor for the first time. Jeff was in a training class for his job so I told him I would go by myself. We already had a sonogram before and this was really just a technicality. Getting my records moved over to the new OB and meeting him... honestly not a big deal.

I arrived and was called back for my sonogram. I told the tech that I was an IVF pregnancy and had already seen my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks and all looked great. I had no concerns and was really excited to see how Baby Walker was progressing.

We started with the ultrasound on my belly. Immediately, I saw our baby... as if it were facing me. Wow, how much it had grown in 2 weeks! The arm buds looked more like arms. The leg buds looked longer like legs. There were little eye sockets. Just amazing how much they grow and how fast!

The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and 6 days. I was only 10 weeks and 3 days so it looked great from that perspective. One major part was missing though. No flickering at the heart level. I noticed it right away. I thought that maybe I could not see it because it was not the vaginal ultrasound. The tech switched to the vaginal and we saw a side view of my sweet baby. And, again - I saw no heartbeat. I was quiet---anxiety beginning to rise. I finally mentioned that I did not see the heartbeat and was getting a little nervous. She answered me with "Let me go get the dr.".... And, I knew. I told her to tell me. She said, "I'm having trouble finding the heartbeat too. I'm going to get the dr. and maybe he can help me find it." ... "Don't worry" and she left. I immediately began praying and crying and praying and crying. She came back in and the dr. followed her. She showed him my baby on the screen and he knew in 2 seconds. He said, "I'm so sorry but your baby's heartbeat is gone. I'm so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances. Is there anyone I can call for you?"

And that was it. In that short amount of time, my baby was no longer. I found myself surrounded by complete strangers telling me my baby had died. They said that it must have happened in the last 12-36 hours because of how the baby was measuring. Everything looked great and right on schedule.

I sent Jeff a text telling him there was an emergency and I needed to speak to him immediately. I got dressed and they had me sit in the dr.'s office and wait for him to come back to talk to me. During that time, Jeff called. I could not speak...just bursting out little bits of information about how the heartbeat was gone and that our baby had died. Then, the doctor came back in. I had to let Jeff go and try to finalize this awful appointment and get out of that office.

We discussed the D&C vs. the natural miscarriage process. I was not able to think or decide anything at that point. I really just needed to leave.

At checkout, they offered to walk me out the back way, which was so considerate and appreciated. I ended up in the stairwell of this medical complex alone... finally really realizing what was happening. My legs could not move. I just stood there crying. I was able to make my way down the stairs and walk out the building. Jeff called and said he had left his training and was on the way to get me. He arrived about 5 minutes later and we began the awful process of dealing with what had occurred.

My heart hurts.