Date Night

Our wonderful and amazing friend, Heather, gave us a night's stay at the Omni in Downtown Dallas. She knew we needed some time together and a night away from all that we have been going through at home. Boy, did we. We had a wonderful time! We checked in, toured the place, watched some tennis in the sports bar and had an amazing dinner at Bob's Steak House in the hotel. We were also asleep by 10:30pm!

I can't say enough about how great this hotel is. So beautiful, such a wonderful view and an extremely comfortable bed...it does not take much to impress me! Some quick pics of our overnight stay. THANK YOU HEATHER and THANKS MAMAW for watching kiddo so we could spend a night out!!

The View From Our Room!

I'm doing a "Cheers" to Heather while sitting in the room. Or, that was the plan...

Pretty much what Jeff always looks like... staring at his phone.

Here he is again - staring at his phone - but at least the view of the city is behind him.

Funny Faces

I dropped my phone in a cup of water...oops. 2 tons of rice was not going to bring it back. So, I had to get a new phone. The new camera is better than the old one and Andrew and I had some fun on Sunday playing with the camera while we took a break from pool time.

This picture cracks me up. He is so intense with his scream face, but sitting next to him - he was completely quiet.

Songs of Impact

Some sweet songs that make me feel like it is going to be ok... in time.

Now what?

Looking back, I understand now why I started feeling better on Sunday. The nausea was not as bad and I felt a bit more awake. I even posted about how I was excited to come out of the haze that I had been living in. I would give anything to feel like crap again - nausea, low energy, headaches, sleeping all of the time - bring it on.

We found out about Baby Walker on Tuesday and by Wednesday evening, we had flowers, phone calls, text messages, and wonderful friends who dropped everything to visit with wine and ice cream. The love and support is so overwhelming and so appreciated. We are not alone in our pain or our journey and we are reminded of it each time life throws us another curve ball.

I decided on Wednesday that I needed another sonogram. In my heart, I knew that our baby had died. But, the entire process went so fast. I did not want to look up 5 years from now and wonder...were we absolutely sure? Maybe there was a malfunction with the machine or maybe we moved too quickly and just missed it. I also knew that Jeff needed to be there for his own closure. Our new doctor has been amazing. When I asked him to meet us to do this, he said absolutely. He moved appointments around and personally did our sonogram on Thursday afternoon. When we got there, he was so considerate...he spent almost 10 minutes showing us our baby on the screen and talking to us about the entire situation. He then brought us to his office and spent another 20 minutes talking to us and working through the upcoming D&C. For never meeting me before, he treated me like he had known me for years. We needed that.

The D&C was Friday at 12:30pm. We arrived to the hospital with me toting along a ton of anxiety-luggage. I was dreading it, but wanting to get it over with and attempt to move on and start the healing process. I had been doing ok with the crying...until they started to wheel me back to the operating room. I cried from the moment that gurney started to move. The last thing I remember was crying and one of the male RNs leaning over me and saying... "you are going to be ok, but I think maybe it's time to take a little vacation." An hour later, I was back in recovery.

Outside of some terrible stomach pains during the 2nd night, I've been feeling fine.  In fact, I'm actually finally feeling great again. Not emotionally, but physically. I've been on one drug or another for almost 8 straight months. Injections, pills, patches, suppositories...etc... And, finally I'm on nothing. It's unreal how different I feel. I've been so physically down in the dumps due to side effects of attempting to get pregnant or actually being pregnant. Whether it was depression and headaches from the Lupron, lumps in my chest and weight gain from the Follistim, pain and twice daily frustration from the Progesterone shots, Nausea and exhaustion from the 1st Trimester - always something and I have not been myself in a long time. I'm holding on so much to this - it's proof that there is a silver lining and I'm going to be ok.

I hate that we are where we are. I've been scared to let Andrew out of my sight. I want to hold him so closely to prevent any more bad from happening in my life. I want to love on him and spend every second with him because it may be my last chance to experience this age and stage. I'm coming to grips with the fact that additional children may not be in our future and I am now, finally, turning it all over to God. What will be, will be. All of this planning, controlling and working towards this goal has not proven to be successful. I release myself from this pressure and will focus on something other than having a baby, having a baby, having a baby. It's not good for me, my marriage, my family or my future.

There will always be a very special place in my heart for Baby Walker. Jeff feels very certain that it was a girl. So, I pray she is happy with God and know that someday we will all get to finally meet her.

Shocked

I finally found the doctor that I was going to transition to from my RE. I set up my first appointment to get my 10 week sonogram and meet with the doctor for the first time. Jeff was in a training class for his job so I told him I would go by myself. We already had a sonogram before and this was really just a technicality. Getting my records moved over to the new OB and meeting him... honestly not a big deal.

I arrived and was called back for my sonogram. I told the tech that I was an IVF pregnancy and had already seen my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks and all looked great. I had no concerns and was really excited to see how Baby Walker was progressing.

We started with the ultrasound on my belly. Immediately, I saw our baby... as if it were facing me. Wow, how much it had grown in 2 weeks! The arm buds looked more like arms. The leg buds looked longer like legs. There were little eye sockets. Just amazing how much they grow and how fast!

The baby was measuring at 10 weeks and 6 days. I was only 10 weeks and 3 days so it looked great from that perspective. One major part was missing though. No flickering at the heart level. I noticed it right away. I thought that maybe I could not see it because it was not the vaginal ultrasound. The tech switched to the vaginal and we saw a side view of my sweet baby. And, again - I saw no heartbeat. I was quiet---anxiety beginning to rise. I finally mentioned that I did not see the heartbeat and was getting a little nervous. She answered me with "Let me go get the dr.".... And, I knew. I told her to tell me. She said, "I'm having trouble finding the heartbeat too. I'm going to get the dr. and maybe he can help me find it." ... "Don't worry" and she left. I immediately began praying and crying and praying and crying. She came back in and the dr. followed her. She showed him my baby on the screen and he knew in 2 seconds. He said, "I'm so sorry but your baby's heartbeat is gone. I'm so sorry to have to meet you under these circumstances. Is there anyone I can call for you?"

And that was it. In that short amount of time, my baby was no longer. I found myself surrounded by complete strangers telling me my baby had died. They said that it must have happened in the last 12-36 hours because of how the baby was measuring. Everything looked great and right on schedule.

I sent Jeff a text telling him there was an emergency and I needed to speak to him immediately. I got dressed and they had me sit in the dr.'s office and wait for him to come back to talk to me. During that time, Jeff called. I could not speak...just bursting out little bits of information about how the heartbeat was gone and that our baby had died. Then, the doctor came back in. I had to let Jeff go and try to finalize this awful appointment and get out of that office.

We discussed the D&C vs. the natural miscarriage process. I was not able to think or decide anything at that point. I really just needed to leave.

At checkout, they offered to walk me out the back way, which was so considerate and appreciated. I ended up in the stairwell of this medical complex alone... finally really realizing what was happening. My legs could not move. I just stood there crying. I was able to make my way down the stairs and walk out the building. Jeff called and said he had left his training and was on the way to get me. He arrived about 5 minutes later and we began the awful process of dealing with what had occurred.

My heart hurts.

Rip Van Winkle

I slept for the majority of July. I would take long naps during the day and go to bed by 8:30pm every night. I have been so tired and so nauseous. But, as I hit 10 weeks, I'm beginning to feel like the haze is starting to clear a little bit. I'm still very tired and have lots of waves of feeling sick, but I think it is getting better.

Hopefully, I'll be able to cook dinners again ... or cook anything again. The smell of food cooking seems to set off the nausea. I've spent the last several weeks avoiding cooking or cleaning. It's been a bit nice, but I'm ready to get back to some normalcy and structure again around here.

I have a second sonogram this week with my new OB! I've officially been transitioned away from my RE and over to my new OB. Just like a normal pregnancy! I'm so excited and I know that these next few months are going to fly by. The Fall and Holiday season always do. It's going to be March before I know it. YIKES!

Drum roll please....

We finally made it to sonogram day! And, after weeks of waiting, we found out...

...there is only 1 Walker Baby! Whew!!! Although, I was a little disappointed, I was mostly relieved. I would have been extremely happy if there were two, but it was definitely going to be a challenge. The doctor and nurse were both surprised as well. We all were expecting to find twins considering my HCG numbers.

The one Walker baby looked great! We saw a beautiful heartbeat and a clearly defined head, body, leg buds and arm buds. So amazing!!

I was cleared to get off of the Estrogen patches and have been able to transition to an oral Progesterone pill now.

This is really happening. I'm so thankful and blessed that we will be getting our new baby!