Now what?

Looking back, I understand now why I started feeling better on Sunday. The nausea was not as bad and I felt a bit more awake. I even posted about how I was excited to come out of the haze that I had been living in. I would give anything to feel like crap again - nausea, low energy, headaches, sleeping all of the time - bring it on.

We found out about Baby Walker on Tuesday and by Wednesday evening, we had flowers, phone calls, text messages, and wonderful friends who dropped everything to visit with wine and ice cream. The love and support is so overwhelming and so appreciated. We are not alone in our pain or our journey and we are reminded of it each time life throws us another curve ball.

I decided on Wednesday that I needed another sonogram. In my heart, I knew that our baby had died. But, the entire process went so fast. I did not want to look up 5 years from now and wonder...were we absolutely sure? Maybe there was a malfunction with the machine or maybe we moved too quickly and just missed it. I also knew that Jeff needed to be there for his own closure. Our new doctor has been amazing. When I asked him to meet us to do this, he said absolutely. He moved appointments around and personally did our sonogram on Thursday afternoon. When we got there, he was so considerate...he spent almost 10 minutes showing us our baby on the screen and talking to us about the entire situation. He then brought us to his office and spent another 20 minutes talking to us and working through the upcoming D&C. For never meeting me before, he treated me like he had known me for years. We needed that.

The D&C was Friday at 12:30pm. We arrived to the hospital with me toting along a ton of anxiety-luggage. I was dreading it, but wanting to get it over with and attempt to move on and start the healing process. I had been doing ok with the crying...until they started to wheel me back to the operating room. I cried from the moment that gurney started to move. The last thing I remember was crying and one of the male RNs leaning over me and saying... "you are going to be ok, but I think maybe it's time to take a little vacation." An hour later, I was back in recovery.

Outside of some terrible stomach pains during the 2nd night, I've been feeling fine.  In fact, I'm actually finally feeling great again. Not emotionally, but physically. I've been on one drug or another for almost 8 straight months. Injections, pills, patches, suppositories...etc... And, finally I'm on nothing. It's unreal how different I feel. I've been so physically down in the dumps due to side effects of attempting to get pregnant or actually being pregnant. Whether it was depression and headaches from the Lupron, lumps in my chest and weight gain from the Follistim, pain and twice daily frustration from the Progesterone shots, Nausea and exhaustion from the 1st Trimester - always something and I have not been myself in a long time. I'm holding on so much to this - it's proof that there is a silver lining and I'm going to be ok.

I hate that we are where we are. I've been scared to let Andrew out of my sight. I want to hold him so closely to prevent any more bad from happening in my life. I want to love on him and spend every second with him because it may be my last chance to experience this age and stage. I'm coming to grips with the fact that additional children may not be in our future and I am now, finally, turning it all over to God. What will be, will be. All of this planning, controlling and working towards this goal has not proven to be successful. I release myself from this pressure and will focus on something other than having a baby, having a baby, having a baby. It's not good for me, my marriage, my family or my future.

There will always be a very special place in my heart for Baby Walker. Jeff feels very certain that it was a girl. So, I pray she is happy with God and know that someday we will all get to finally meet her.