Christmas 2013

This Christmas was very different than any of our other Christmas celebrations. This was the first year that I did not spend Christmas with my parents - ever. I was not sure how I felt about the change so I decided at the last minute to completely change our normal Christmas to something a bit different and new. We (Mamaw too) went to Stephanie and Marc's lake house on Christmas Eve (They are so awesome and allow us to make use of their amazing lake house on Lake Bonham).

We woke up on Christmas Morning by about 7:30am and Andrew got to see what Santa brought for him. The race track was huge and he enjoyed playing with it, but always seems to enjoy the little things even more - like the whoopee cushion, spinning tops, etc...

The weather was perfect during Christmas day and we were able to play outside for most of the morning. Jeff and Andrew went kayaking on the lake and fishing off the pier.

Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Mike joined us that afternoon and we opened more presents and had a great time laughing and playing with all our new goodies. When dinner time arrived, we ate a non-traditional Christmas meal of YUMMY Filets, Polenta, Mushrooms and Salad.

We moved outside to sit around the campfire and look at the stars. It was a bit cold though so we ended up back inside watching Kung Fu Panda. We were all asleep by 10pm.

The next morning we had a great breakfast casserole, packed up and were back in Plano by mid-afternoon.


Even though we missed having Granny and Pappy with us for Christmas, we still had a great time and loved trying something different.

Decorating our Tree

Andrew and I spent an evening decorating our Christmas tree. We sipped on hot chocolate and hung ornaments together (and danced, giggled and watched some football). Unfortunately, Jeff had to work, but we made the best of it and really enjoyed our night together.

I love this picture! 

Being Silly In Our Christmas Hats

 

 

On the ladder - reaching the middle.

Very proud of his Santa hat.

Sipping on Hot Cocoa

4 years old

We celebrated Andrew's 4th birthday in true Walker style... we made it last over 7 days with 3 parties and 2 cakes. It is no wonder this child is spoiled. But, he is worth it. With a birthday that falls right around Thanksgiving, we have to be creative with the timing of his events. We were able to pull together a last-minute event with his two best friends, Carter and Luke. They spent the evening running all over the house and having a great time with the new birthday toys. The grown-ups had a nice time too. :-) We were also able to celebrate on Thanksgiving with his Spiderman Cake and family time and toys and his school did a great Celebration of Life with him that I was able to attend.

Hard to believe my kiddo is 4! What an amazing 4 years we have had. He is so smart, sweet and caring. He gives the best hugs and the sweetest compliments. I'm so lucky to be his mom.

Date Night

Our wonderful and amazing friend, Heather, gave us a night's stay at the Omni in Downtown Dallas. She knew we needed some time together and a night away from all that we have been going through at home. Boy, did we. We had a wonderful time! We checked in, toured the place, watched some tennis in the sports bar and had an amazing dinner at Bob's Steak House in the hotel. We were also asleep by 10:30pm!

I can't say enough about how great this hotel is. So beautiful, such a wonderful view and an extremely comfortable bed...it does not take much to impress me! Some quick pics of our overnight stay. THANK YOU HEATHER and THANKS MAMAW for watching kiddo so we could spend a night out!!

The View From Our Room!

I'm doing a "Cheers" to Heather while sitting in the room. Or, that was the plan...

Pretty much what Jeff always looks like... staring at his phone.

Here he is again - staring at his phone - but at least the view of the city is behind him.

Funny Faces

I dropped my phone in a cup of water...oops. 2 tons of rice was not going to bring it back. So, I had to get a new phone. The new camera is better than the old one and Andrew and I had some fun on Sunday playing with the camera while we took a break from pool time.

This picture cracks me up. He is so intense with his scream face, but sitting next to him - he was completely quiet.

Songs of Impact

Some sweet songs that make me feel like it is going to be ok... in time.

Now what?

Looking back, I understand now why I started feeling better on Sunday. The nausea was not as bad and I felt a bit more awake. I even posted about how I was excited to come out of the haze that I had been living in. I would give anything to feel like crap again - nausea, low energy, headaches, sleeping all of the time - bring it on.

We found out about Baby Walker on Tuesday and by Wednesday evening, we had flowers, phone calls, text messages, and wonderful friends who dropped everything to visit with wine and ice cream. The love and support is so overwhelming and so appreciated. We are not alone in our pain or our journey and we are reminded of it each time life throws us another curve ball.

I decided on Wednesday that I needed another sonogram. In my heart, I knew that our baby had died. But, the entire process went so fast. I did not want to look up 5 years from now and wonder...were we absolutely sure? Maybe there was a malfunction with the machine or maybe we moved too quickly and just missed it. I also knew that Jeff needed to be there for his own closure. Our new doctor has been amazing. When I asked him to meet us to do this, he said absolutely. He moved appointments around and personally did our sonogram on Thursday afternoon. When we got there, he was so considerate...he spent almost 10 minutes showing us our baby on the screen and talking to us about the entire situation. He then brought us to his office and spent another 20 minutes talking to us and working through the upcoming D&C. For never meeting me before, he treated me like he had known me for years. We needed that.

The D&C was Friday at 12:30pm. We arrived to the hospital with me toting along a ton of anxiety-luggage. I was dreading it, but wanting to get it over with and attempt to move on and start the healing process. I had been doing ok with the crying...until they started to wheel me back to the operating room. I cried from the moment that gurney started to move. The last thing I remember was crying and one of the male RNs leaning over me and saying... "you are going to be ok, but I think maybe it's time to take a little vacation." An hour later, I was back in recovery.

Outside of some terrible stomach pains during the 2nd night, I've been feeling fine.  In fact, I'm actually finally feeling great again. Not emotionally, but physically. I've been on one drug or another for almost 8 straight months. Injections, pills, patches, suppositories...etc... And, finally I'm on nothing. It's unreal how different I feel. I've been so physically down in the dumps due to side effects of attempting to get pregnant or actually being pregnant. Whether it was depression and headaches from the Lupron, lumps in my chest and weight gain from the Follistim, pain and twice daily frustration from the Progesterone shots, Nausea and exhaustion from the 1st Trimester - always something and I have not been myself in a long time. I'm holding on so much to this - it's proof that there is a silver lining and I'm going to be ok.

I hate that we are where we are. I've been scared to let Andrew out of my sight. I want to hold him so closely to prevent any more bad from happening in my life. I want to love on him and spend every second with him because it may be my last chance to experience this age and stage. I'm coming to grips with the fact that additional children may not be in our future and I am now, finally, turning it all over to God. What will be, will be. All of this planning, controlling and working towards this goal has not proven to be successful. I release myself from this pressure and will focus on something other than having a baby, having a baby, having a baby. It's not good for me, my marriage, my family or my future.

There will always be a very special place in my heart for Baby Walker. Jeff feels very certain that it was a girl. So, I pray she is happy with God and know that someday we will all get to finally meet her.